‘School’ Stories
Chicken Little
View all posts by MrTeacherA little while back I was in a grade 2 class reading the book Chicken Little to them. It’s a pretty popular book and I think Disney made a movie about it too. I had just read the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer and then I asked the students what to predict what the farmer’s response would be. One boy raised his hand and said, “I think he said ‘Oh my God!!! Why is a chicken talking to me!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh’”
Beating the Line
View all posts by daveglennThe bathroom situation in the teacher’s lounge consisted of adjacent men’s and women’s rooms. I’m pretty sure the decision to make them sex-discriminatory was made by either a gay man or a tidy woman. While the majority of women may have liked this idea, the men secretly disagreed with it. On several occasions, there would be a three-person line waiting to use the men’s room, even though the women’s room was vacant. Superior to my male colleagues in pooping and peeing, I always took the initiative and ditched the line to use the women’s room to ensure optimal bathroom usage.
One time, I had to poop badly, and there was no line for either bathroom. I rounded the opposite corner simultaneously with another math teacher in his early forties, beating him by a step. He was a squirly-looking motherfucker with light, parted hair and an earring in his left ear. He’d probably been cool back in 1992 when Vanilla Ice started the whole earring-in-the-left-ear-to-let-everyone-know-you’re-straight thing. But then 1993 happened, and the fashion died out with a whimper. This foolish man had not yet made the adjustment. When I approached the door, I smiled and said sarcastically, “Haha, beat you to it.” I entered the restroom, locked the door behind me, frantically and unnecessarily put toilet paper over the seat, and exploded. While it is distinctly audible to hear the women’s room door open and close, this time there was silence. The women’s room remained vacant. The fool was waiting for me. About nine minutes into my poop, the warning bell rang. Two minutes later, there was violent pounding on my door—five malicious thuds. I finished a minute later to find an empty lounge. I did not feel guilty for taking my time; he should have used the women’s room.
I ran into the guy the next day while walking to my teacher mailbox. In an attempt to diffuse any hard feelings that may have come from yesterday’s event, I said, “Sorry about yesterday. Just use the woman’s room. I do all the time.” His face turned red, and he replied, “What? Uh, what are you talking about?” I searched his face for signs of sarcasm but found nothing except for apprehension in the form of rosy cheeks and a sparkling ear decoration. I waved off his reply and returned to my classroom. Did he really think I wouldn’t think it was him who did the door pounding?
“Dude, I know it was you who pounded on the door. Just take your poop in the women’s room. You don’t have to be ashamed that your poops smell bad. So do mine. If there are chicks waiting when you’re finished, who gives a damn? Just tell them that it was the architect’s fault for not making both of the bathrooms coed.” This is what I should have told him but didn’t. I pussed out. Either way, speeches like this should be given to defensive guys who suck at taking small risks with bathroom situations. Even if they’re teachers, middle-aged men with parted hair and earrings in their left ear are deceptive liars. Steer clear of such folk.
daveglenn.com
That’s a weird question…
View all posts by MrTeacherA student in my grade 4 class returned from Disneyland and was sharing some things about her trip. After sharing the class was given a chance to ask her three questions. The first question was what was your favourite ride? The second question was what was your least favourite ride? The third and final question asked was what was your 5th favourite ride?
A great reason to call home from school
View all posts by MrTeacherI’m currently teaching a grade 4 class and when the lunch bell went a boy asked me if he can call home. I ask him why and he responds with, “My mom didn’t pack me the right sandwich. I wanted a sandwich with focaccia bread and she gave me regular bread. I need to call her because I like focaccia bread more.” That’s one of the best reasons to call home that I’ve heard.
A small crime
View all posts by coachparkerI teach a credit recovery class at an inner-city school and I can’t say that I get the best students attending my classes. Many skip out on class and are very behind on work. A male student who was a junior at the time walked into my class after being suspended for three days. I asked him, ” Where have you been all week?”
He replied with, “Oh it was just a misdemeanor Coach.”
I surprisingly responded, “a misdemeanor! What did you do?”
“Oh, Uh…umm…Well what’s a misdemeanor?”
I answered, “like a small crime.”
The embarrassed student stumbled to correct himself, ” Oh no sir, I meant it was just a misunderstanding with the assistant principal.”
Kids these days. I guess I’m proud that he was trying to use a big word….
I didn’t know I was old at 19?
View all posts by MimseeBack when I was in university, I had to complete volunteer work in elementary schools in order to be able to be considered for acceptance into the teaching practicum. I spent many days a few days a week in a specfiic classroom and after I had been there a few months, a couple students in the class wanted me to come outside during recess and show me everything they had learned to do on the monkey bars. I followed them outside and proceeded to watch as the two girls hung by their legs upside down demonstrated their new skills. I told them that they were very good at that and then they encouraged me to try as well. I laughed and told them that I used to do that all the time when I was their age but that I didn’t think i would be able to anymore (If i hung upside down on these monkey bars, my head would have been touching the ground!). One young girl who was playing nearby and obviously had been listening piped up with , “Excuse me…Are you unable to do this anymore because your bones are too brittle?” I tried to contain my laughter but I never knew I would be considered that old at 19! I still laugh when i think about her innocent face inquiring so seriously haha =)
A “Family” Environment
View all posts by TheProfessorSo I was in a Grade 1/Kindergarten split class the other day, and during some free time one of the children started drawing some cartoon characters. I thought nothing of it since the student was well occupied and wasn’t causing any distractions. A While later the student approached me and held up the drawing. At this point he inquired innocently “do you know who this is?” to which I replied naively, “no I don’t, please tell me!” Expecting to hear a Saturday morning cartoon character’s name I was taken aback when this little boy blurted out “Peter Griffin! You know, from Family Guy!” It seems that Saturday morning cartoons aren’t quite what I remembered!
I forgot a towel…
View all posts by MrTeacherI took my grade 5 class on a field trip to the local swimming pool and after we had finished and were getting change I see one student outside of a bathroom stall putting squares of toilet paper over him. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he had forgotten his towel.
Scratch And Sniff
View all posts by TheProfessor
One week the kids were doing their spelling test and their prize for completion just happened to be those good old fashioned scratch and sniff stickers. Once they were reminded about the smelly surprise, they went crazy, scratching and sniffing their own, their neighbours, and even leaving their seats to seek out new smells from stickers across the room.
Apparently the event made quite the lasting impression, because for next week’s spelling test the kids were at it again, scratching and sniffing to their hearts content – but little did they know, this time the stickers weren’t scented. But try telling that to a class of second graders intent on the concept and you’ll still be greeted with cries of “mine smells like banana,” even if they really smell like cheap plastic products!
En Français
View all posts by grade7teacherI was starting a Ma Famille (my family) unit in French with my grade 7 students the other day and we were going over some basic vocabulary. I was asking students to tell me what the English meaning of many different family members in French were. A student just finished telling the class that père means father when I asked astudent what he though grand-père (grand-father) meant. His answer was, “a father that has let it all go and has eaten too much junk food over the years.”
