Beating the Line
View all posts by daveglennThe bathroom situation in the teacher’s lounge consisted of adjacent men’s and women’s rooms. I’m pretty sure the decision to make them sex-discriminatory was made by either a gay man or a tidy woman. While the majority of women may have liked this idea, the men secretly disagreed with it. On several occasions, there would be a three-person line waiting to use the men’s room, even though the women’s room was vacant. Superior to my male colleagues in pooping and peeing, I always took the initiative and ditched the line to use the women’s room to ensure optimal bathroom usage.
One time, I had to poop badly, and there was no line for either bathroom. I rounded the opposite corner simultaneously with another math teacher in his early forties, beating him by a step. He was a squirly-looking motherfucker with light, parted hair and an earring in his left ear. He’d probably been cool back in 1992 when Vanilla Ice started the whole earring-in-the-left-ear-to-let-everyone-know-you’re-straight thing. But then 1993 happened, and the fashion died out with a whimper. This foolish man had not yet made the adjustment. When I approached the door, I smiled and said sarcastically, “Haha, beat you to it.” I entered the restroom, locked the door behind me, frantically and unnecessarily put toilet paper over the seat, and exploded. While it is distinctly audible to hear the women’s room door open and close, this time there was silence. The women’s room remained vacant. The fool was waiting for me. About nine minutes into my poop, the warning bell rang. Two minutes later, there was violent pounding on my door—five malicious thuds. I finished a minute later to find an empty lounge. I did not feel guilty for taking my time; he should have used the women’s room.
I ran into the guy the next day while walking to my teacher mailbox. In an attempt to diffuse any hard feelings that may have come from yesterday’s event, I said, “Sorry about yesterday. Just use the woman’s room. I do all the time.” His face turned red, and he replied, “What? Uh, what are you talking about?” I searched his face for signs of sarcasm but found nothing except for apprehension in the form of rosy cheeks and a sparkling ear decoration. I waved off his reply and returned to my classroom. Did he really think I wouldn’t think it was him who did the door pounding?
“Dude, I know it was you who pounded on the door. Just take your poop in the women’s room. You don’t have to be ashamed that your poops smell bad. So do mine. If there are chicks waiting when you’re finished, who gives a damn? Just tell them that it was the architect’s fault for not making both of the bathrooms coed.” This is what I should have told him but didn’t. I pussed out. Either way, speeches like this should be given to defensive guys who suck at taking small risks with bathroom situations. Even if they’re teachers, middle-aged men with parted hair and earrings in their left ear are deceptive liars. Steer clear of such folk.
daveglenn.com
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